My blood pressure shoots up whenever I look at old pictures of what I used to look like. I get pissed the fuck off whenever people tell me about all the ridiculous and annoying shit I used to do. It just blows me. I always hate “Old Damon”.
And I hate being reminded that I hate “Old Damon”, because it just makes me feel like I’ll just keeping continuously hating the way I looked, acted and was for the rest of my life. Which THEN makes me self-conscious about myself right now.
At times I’m pleased with who I am, but then I feel like whenever I reflect on myself at this time in my life, 9 months from now I’ll just get pissed off.
I don’t know why I hate looking or even thinking about myself from 9 months ago—no exceptions.
I should do a follow up post in 9 months and see how I feel.
My life is a series of reoccurring motifs, I swear
For weeks or months on end I devote my thoughts to one center idea. I explore it through every fucking orifice of my life. I drive half the things I say, and nearly all my actions on this idea— and then I watch to see what happens to my life. I look for the ideas in ideology I read, in music, in movies, in conversations, in other truths I believe in. And at the end I make one grand fact about what is truth, and fall back on it.
So for like 2 months I’ve been on this compounding motif of religion-power-energy-control.
But this motif has probably changed me more than any other. Just for the simple fact that I don’t consider myself religious anymore. Like I grew up heavily Christian, going to church every sunday, and now whenever I look at it, it’s nearly comical.
It’s scary to see how I got here, but I’m here now, and I’m a lot more pleased with who I’ve developed in to for the sake of me gaining what I want out of my life. (If that makes sense) As in, like, I don’t think religion isn’t real, it just isn’t real for me. It’s the realest thing to those who trust in it, so I don’t denounce it, but I personally think it’s blasphemy. Or at least strayed and developed in to.
Sheesh, I be wrappin. Least cohesive thing I’ve ever written.
So I’m a very energy, spiritual driven person. I feel like that doesn’t make much sense, so I’ll try to explain it really quickly so I can get to the point:
I believe in energy. I believe energy is the realest and purest form of existence because it’s everywhere. I believe God is energy, I believe I am made of energy. So I believe through energy, filtered through my existence, I’m capable of preforming, literally, anything.
I have some other, nearly parallel thoughts on time and the occurrences of events. I believe things are happening because they’re happening because they were going to happen because they already happen because they did. Not necessarily because it was destiny. Like: it would be my destiny to jump out the window and kill myself right now if I did it— because I have the power to. But I choose not to, so that was meant to be because I choose so.
Today at work this guy who is this undercover security guy there asked me what my sign was. At first I laughed, and then I looked him in his eyes. And for a split second I saw more concentrated wisdom in his nearly glazed over eyes than I have ever seen in my life. He had the eyes of a sage for like 3 seconds. So I said pisces.. and then he threw his head back and said "I knew it!".
Anyway, he just started going off about what he knew about pisces and he completely described me. Not to sound cliche, and not to sound stupid, and not to sound like I’m giving in to something that’s stupid… But I had a really weird feeling after that. Like, he described me to the fucking bone. No superficial shit. No "You like to have fun!" type shit. Like, "You see the world, and people for what it is"…"You have extreme, contrasting personalities and moods"… etc. He was going on for like 10 mins.
Anyway, I looked up some sketch online shit about astrology, and I typed in the time I was born and all that shit, and it’s freaking me out.
I wanna go find a legit astrologist, and have him map out my existence based on different shit about my birth on some universe, star map. I saw some special on TV about these people being able to describe what has happen and what will happen in your life based off of your energy forces. Like turning cynics into freaked out believers.
Astrology has lasted so long for a reason. There’s a lot of bullshit out there, but some niche of it, I feel like, is too real.
I swear whenever you hear that someone’s a douche bag, or weird, or annoying, or a bitch, or a slut, or stupid… if you talk to them long enough, you’ll find something awesome about them.
Not tryna get deep, but I swear douche bags or girls who are bitches are just people who are sincerely honest. I swear annoying and weird people are just people who are spontaneous and do or say the first thing that comes to mind.
Thinking like this makes things really fun. Because, then, at the end of the day, you can make friends with anyone. It’s impossible not to have at least 1 thing in common with everyone in this world. There’s too many experiences and interests out there not to.
I finally feel like I’m starting to grow up I finally feel like I can control myself I finally feel like I have control over my life I finally feel like I don’t have to be too much anymore I finally feel like I can hang out with people and not piss them off I finally feel like I can chill I finally feel like I’m maturing
So today is my first day at my job’s new location. Well, new location for me. I got transferred to work at an American Apparel a hell of a lot closer to where I live, and I’m really happy for a bunch of reasons.
But I kind of wish I could have all my awesome coworker from Georgetown, plus how legit the Georgetown store is in Silver Spring. Works going to be a lot more laid back (and I’m still getting paid the same), but I feel like that’ll get old in a couple of weeks. And then I’ll be bored as shit.
And the pressure of making new friends has always been really intense to me for some reason. Making friends when you’re with friends is fucking easy as pie—but when you know you have to be civil and cordial with people you know you’re gonna be seeing a lot of, it makes things a lot more… difficult. For me at least. I’m just tryna make a good impression.
I wish my friend Somala would hurry up and get transferred over too. And I wish my other friend Gillian would hurry up and get registered so she can start working there too. But of course both situations are out of all three of our hands.
I’m about to go get a haircut, try and put together an outfit that meets American Apparel’s “new standards”.
If you wanna see my dress code, please click on the link below. It’ll blow your mind:
Uhn-prez-uh-den-tid. Very fun word to say. I feel like it vibrates with a certain energy almost; like you can feel the soundwaves when you say it.
Now for what we’re all here for: my dilemma. A dilemma implies choice.
My problem is that I don’t fit in with anybody. I worked so hard for so long…
Mady I understand you completely, man.
Compromising shouldn’t necessarily have a negative connotation. In a sense it’ll just reveal or create another aspect of yourself you never knew you were capable of tapping in to.
I think you should stick to being neutral when you’re talking to be people, and let them show you what they want out of your relationship with them. It kind of reminds me of the fact that you talk to different friends about different things. Like you connect and different ways, and those things fulfill a little piece of social desire we all try to fill.
I hear Somala talk a lot about not really loving, or being super passionate about anything a lot. And I feel the same way. In a way, you create your own sort of niche of person by not taking intense interest in to something—just appreciating everything.
I think you’d have a more socially fulfilling college experience if you looked at all the different ways you could thrive with people based on what they can provide, rather all the things you’ve been used to getting prior.
I think in the end, you’ll be a different person—which is why I guess you sorta change or find yourself in college.
Am I speaking out of my ass, or is this of any use to you? I’m tryna help a fellow intellectual brotha out.
My stomach hurts like fuck, and my eyes feel drowsy. Not really drowsy, kind of just heavy.
Maureen Conley has been the pink elephant in my nostalgic room for the last 4 days. And I’m really enjoying it.
Talking shit, and love, and college, and religion all have one common denominator: we do it for stability.
Stability is so necessary, and I really don’t know why? It’s comfortable, but why is it so necessary?
It is, because it was, and it was always going to be, because it did.
My thought process has been going in circles— You know those trippy spinning, spiral things where the swirl is growing and the radius is getting bigger and bigger? Hey, I found a gif for it!
Well my thinking has been like that. I keep getting to the same place but just seeing it in a bigger sense. Coming to the same conclusions about consistencies in my life and in the world, and concluding what is true.. But later I when I get to the same place farther off in my mental swirl, I make these truth consistencies encompass more in my world.
I’m always having emotional brake-downs whenever I’m communicating with Somala past 1 o’clock.
Speaking of: it’s a great feeling to feel loved, accepted, appreciated and understood by someone—as in they know the best and the worse of you—and they still love, accept, appreciate and try to understand you.
When you ask for advice friends aren’t listening to your problems. They’re worrying about themselves. They’re wondering what they would do in that situation. How would this effect their life. Never to think what’s going on in this situation for you. Why you should or should not do it.
I feel like people feel so alone sometimes, and feel like they’re never understood by anyone, because we’re all selfish, self-centered beings who not only fail to listen to words, and body language, and hints, and eye contact, and vibes coming from those around us, but we lack the verbal aptness to get the correct words out.
Sadly enough, when we do get the right words out, they’re left up to the interpretation of your audience.
It’s a scary thought to realize that no one your entire life has understood 100% of what you’re saying. Day-to-day through small talk we communicate and people understand 80% or so of what you’re saying.
But when you get to heavier thoughts, deeper thoughts, thoughts that require focused thought, I feel like we drop to about 15%.
Love is great. Love gets us through because it’s comforting to know at the end of the day, through all the miscommunication, that someone will accept and love you for all the things left unsaid, and lost in translation.
I wish I could get this post across better so it could make sense, but mid way through I decided that this post would metaphorically represent the fact that at the end of the day no one will completely understand.
This is why I want to major in communication in college.
it’s not like I don’t think I have good friends. Considerate friends. Friends I can have fun with. Friends that understand me. Friends that I can be myself with. Friends who appreciate me.
None of that sappy shit. But whenever my mood finally reaches a point where it’s static, and I have that sudden wave of self-reflection, I always imagine there’s this clad of people out there that are my friends.
People who differ drastically from one another, but still have that one prevalent common denominator between one another. Listen to off-brand music and enjoy it, and don’t even imagine to consider the fact that they’re listening to off-brand music. Who don’t suck their own balls. Who don’t pretend like they’re trying not to suck their own balls.
Who say the first thing that comes to their mind. Are genuine in every ounce of their being. Who follow the first urge their body lends. Who get ridiculously high because they’re sober. And get naked because they just feel like it.
Never retorting, “Why would I?” rather, “Why wouldn’t I?”
Who see every moment as a place to push. Who sees situations as something to exist, and nothing to get bothered about. Who are unforgiving about themselves, because it’s purely themselves that they give.
Friends who will egg me on. Friends who push every limit of every situation. Who start fighting me because it felt right. Who put their fingers in my ears because they wonder what they feel like. Who are in tune with one another, and communicate purely sometimes and usually without words. Who can communicate because they’re listening, and can flow outwardly through every extremity of their being because they’re in-tune with themselves. Who trust themselves, and trust me.
I want to meet my friends. I’ve known them for a few months now