Getting a call back from AA: I remember pacing back and forth through my apartment hallway… Palms sweating hard as shit. I honestly can’t remember the last time I had been so excited and anxious for something
Eating pesto: Enough said. I ate so much fucking pesto. At least 200 dollars worth. At least.
When I showed up to work 2 hrs late: Hungover as shit. So fucking out of it. I just think it’s funny that one of the most random nights of my life came from a harmless text to my boss. In that same day, I also ruined all future chances of ever hanging with him again.
Walking through Georgetown with Somala: I remember making that humid ass hike at 10 o’clock at night with Somala and my assistant manager, Ruben, or key holder Ramar (http://tallskinnyboy.tumblr.com) and chatting it up about nothing. It was the first time I felt young as shit, and doing my own thing. Working in DC this summer changed my life so much.
I feel like half the shit I’ll remember forever wasn’t even that great. But one of my personal vendettas this year was forcing my self to experience. I just feel like life can be so lackluster when you’re cynical, and you victimize yourself, and you stay in the same place literally and mentally.
I’ve just tried my hardest to do something, and force myself to soak up what’s around me, and take my life experiences into my own hands and keep chugging through shit.
I’m too fucking excited to see what’ sup next for 2011. And only because I have no fucking idea what to expect.
Woke up today at fucking 7:00 (not okay) to fill in for some missing in action asshole at Montgomery Mall. Met this pretty interesting guy who works there who’s name I keep forgetting.
He kept talking about his wildly cultural experiences and interests every moment he could bring it up. Besides the fact that I felt like he was showing off, he seemed pretty chill. Pretty chill for someone who got hammered as shit, and passed out at 4 in the morning the same day and had to open at 7:30.
Worked 8 and half hours, which surprisingly went by really fast. Ran into a friend from school who works at the mall too, DeWayne, which freaked me the fuck out. Towards the end of my shift, one of my good friends, Mady (http://nawjay.tumblr.com), stopped by, unknowingly, to fill out paper work to start working at AA again.
Momma scooped me, and we had an… enlightening… conversation about the fact that both sides of my family suffer from mental illness. Both of grandmothers either suffer from chronic depression, schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder. My future’s lookin’ bright!
Had bro-time with Connor for a little while, where I traded him for this sweater for his dope as navajo-ish cardigan. Came home, open late presents with my little bro and sis. Set up my little bro’s first system with him.
Got on Facebook. Got disgusted. Got on Twitter. Got disgusted. Got on Tumblr. Got da tumblin’.
Does this post have any purpose? Nobody’s about to read this whole thing hahah.
I’m so happy this year. And I’m so damn excited. And, for once, not because of what I’ve gotten or plan on receiving, but because of everything I’m sharing.
I’ve been fucking overflown with happiness. I’ve always wanted to get stuff for my friends and family for Christmas, but this is the first year I could actually do it. I always have so much saved up money, and for once I can step outside myself, and stop spending it on pesto cavatappi and pointless clothing.
Just knowing I made someone else that much more happy is one of the best feelings in this world to me.
Well, I have something I generally want to touch basis with that I never devote much attention to. It might not make much sense, but I situate my thoughts by writing them all down.
So I was talking to someone, I think it was Mady, about how I’ve been or whatever. And I said, “floating”.
I always forget everything. And it’s because I feel like I’m slipping in and out of moments. To me, I’m always looking at weird situations and reminding myself that this shit has never happened before.
Yet I look at new situations and they seem so familiar.
But I said I was floating. But on top of the fact that I said I’m floating (which isn’t really even how I know I feel… The word just came), I feel like everything is just this moment right here. Like every moment that comes and goes is what it is but it already was and then it’s done.
I can’t fucking explain it! I wish I could discuss this with someone, because the idea of that seems so fucking fickle to me! Like what is anything if it’s pure anticipation of moments that come and inevitably fleets.
I always forget everything. Like I’m constantly stuck in this moment. And then it’s gone. And once a consistent streamline of a moment ends, I swear my mind just explodes like a flash of a camera. And then I’m to the next moment and everything is just forgotten.
I’m in this weird mood where I feel like tampering with black magic, ouija boards and LSD. I want to live on another plane, if that makes sense. Like jump to a perpendicular plane to this one that only 6 other people live on.
But I said I feel like I thrive off of moments. And moments always happen when someone’s around. I don’t know why, but I feel like I’m nothing when I’m alone.
When I sit in the house for prolonged periods of time without much TV or internet, I shatter and vacillate between extreme emotions.
I feel like it’s why I get super personal on my blog. It’s something I think at least one person sees. It keeps my mind from escaping me.
I just think it’s so interesting when people are off-put by the things on here, as if they’re not who I really am. And then I get afraid, because I realize this half of me (that I don’t like much at all) is just as much of me as the overly-energetic, cheerful Damon I am from day-to-day at school.
It’s like the more people around, the more grounded I am, the louder I am.
But I’ve been merging together the two. And I feel like I’ve been off-putting.
But I said I’ve been floating. Mainly because I’ve found myself victim to myself more and more. And, like I already said, when I’m alone I feel like I’m nothing.
I just hope I don’t fall victim to complete nihilism come college time. I wish there was a conclusion.
It sucks when you hit a spot when everything is out of your hands.
Like I’m sitting here, anxious and aggravated as shit at the fact that my admissions/denial letter hasn’t arrived yet. And it’s going on 3 days of being late. And it sucks.
Here I am sitting here, and I could be waiting for a denial letter. And there’s nothing I can do about it. There’s nothing I can do to make myself get in, and there’s nothing I can do to get that fucking letter here.
Nothing. It’s so frustrating. I’ve punched, broken and have slammed too much shit in the past 3 days out of frustration. I can’t say anything and I can’t do anything.
Holy fucking shit this sucks so bad. I’d be so fucking embarrassed if I don’t get in.
College acceptance letter comes in the next 3 days. I don’t know how I feel about anything. I’m stuck somewhere between hating half the people I know and loving them.
I’m somewhere between saying fuck it all and putting forth all my effort. I’m somewhere between relaxation and a complete mental breakdown. I’m somewhere between being really socially awkward and really charismatic.
I don’t know if anyone can relate… But recently I’ve just had this unnerving ounce of something going on. It’s like a filter over everything I see. Even when I’m relaxing, I have the slightest headache, and the air feels especially thin. Maybe I’m just anxious these days.
I’m digressing away from the point, but I talked to my friend Yoel (http://cerebralthinking.tumblr.com) about feeling different everyday. And it’s so true. I feel completely differently about everything I think is true ever other day.
But today my constantly shifting mood and outlook on life says:
I dislike most of everyone I know. I wish I could move on with my life. I wish genuinely communicating with people was easier. I’m almost at the point where I don’t identify as Christian. I’m upset people don’t comprehend busting a nut isn’t at the top of my priorities. I’m dissatisfied with my job. And I currently have a pessimistic outlook on what I perceive to be human nature.
I apologize if you think this is a bunch of bullshit. I wonder what I’ll think about this in a couple of days. All I know is, once I’m 30, I’ll think I was the most dramatic teenager to exist.
Too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones too many ones.
Sometimes I think I’m bi-polar. But seriously, no drama queen. Somedays I’ll go from “Everything’s perfect!” to “Fuck everything. I don’t care.” I’ll go from wanting to be the best of friends with people, to carrying the shit out of them. I don’t know why.
It’s slightly why I never like staying too happy for too long. Amazing Fridays/Saturdays are followed by miserable Sundays/Mondays. Good weeks/months are followed by terrible weeks/months. I wish I could find an even balance. I just always find myself vacillating between extreme depression, and unrealistic euphoria.
have you ever felt like the super mad, vindictive scoldings of the general public that you issue on your tumblr all the time are actually the opposite of 'getting over yourself,' which youre always advocating. if you were over yourself you wouldnt have all that disdain for other people, right?
Not exactly sure what you’re talking about, but yes. I think I’m equally if not more engulfed in my own world most of the time.
It happens. But I would like to think I’m advocating self-awareness and humility, not disdain.
I love (having) things, or at least the idea of (having) them. Everythingseems good from afar, but when it’s finally in my grasp, it loses it’s luster. This basically applies to everything I want/get; money, clothes, girls, parties, The High, etc.
I’ve just come to the conclusion that I don’t actually want anything, I just want to know that I could have it, if I wanted it. Knowing I could have a girl that I like gives me just as much (or probably more) pleasure as hooking up with ‘em does. I guess I’m not really into having these things, knowing I could have them always seems to suffice.
Step out of yourself for a little while, please. Any and everything that’s probably happening in the exponentially small world you’re living in does not and will not matter. It’s a sliver in time, and a couple of moments in your foreseeably long life. Remind yourself of this in effort to get the fuck over yourself.
Don’t pity yourself, because honestly no one cares. Don’t wrap yourself around the notion that self-pity, vindictiveness, cynicism nor grudge will bring anyone else around you to your salvation from self-consumption. I just wish people sat down with themselves, and realized that no one gives a fuck.
Interestingly enough, coming to this realization has made me the most light-hearted, self-fulfilled person.
But I apologize. This is coming from someone who feels like they don’t really experience anything. I’m just too caught up in realizing it doesn’t matter, before I realize I’ve already forgotten it.
But I don’t know you. I’m just speaking from my own small world.