High school is just stupid. Living with my mom is just pointless. Staying here is just ripping years away from my life.
I’m just so tired of annoying, narcissistic assholes. I need more down people in my life I swear! High school moves are just dumb. Nobody can ever get alcohol, nobody can ever get cool people to show up, nobody can ever have a descent place, nobody can ever have friends who don’t throw up.
I’m tired of people who think other people exist for their concern.
I just feel so bad for people who occupy so much of their mental capacity with talking smack. Who think shit is all about them. That people do everything for them.
I need more down people in my life! More people who just go! I need parents to evaporate. I need the idea of ducking parents to be some nostalgic consideration, that we realized retrospectively ruined our lives.
I’m so tired of being tired of anything. I don’t want to talk about it, I just want the resistant, difficult people to die. I want annoying, loud, gawdy black girls who insist on screaming instead of speaking normally to get the fuck. For all the annoying ass gumps in my school who think its cool to go “hard” at fucking school, and skip class to be badass to not be around me. You’re dumb as shit, and you’ll make a gump ass super-senior one day!
I just want easy-going, chill, empathetic, considerate, DOWN ass people to join me in my life.
I learned the other day of the existence of 6 dimensions I’m not and never will be exposed to.
I’m just an ignorant flatlander in my pointless 4th dimension. I’m constantly vacillating between appreciation and exhaustion of my school life. Sometimes I equate it to ignorant bliss and reality, or ignorant bliss and cynical reality. At the end of the day, I’m still ignorantly blissful whenever I’m happy in school.
Yeah school sucks.
I’m getting sort of exhausted “oinz-ing” with Somala so often. It’s emotionally draining for reasons I can’t describe. My 7th dimension self knows why, though.
Whenever Somala finds interest in something I take interest in, I blow it out of proportion:
My (now) intense crush on the most amazing thing in this world
I want the crisp air of fall to come here now. It’s refreshing. The cool air we have right now is kind of deceiving. I think it’s crisp, but it’s just as empty as the dense, humid air in Georgetown.
It’s why I’m either light headed, stricken with exhausting, thoughtless laughter, or breathing heavily.
People like you are confident, and assertive. You almost always seem to be sure of yourself, and you speak your mind directly and honestly. You have strong opinions and are usually able to convince others that your position is right. While you are naturally very fair, you are also rather outspoken. Because you are so friendly and comfortable being the center of attention, you probably have a large circle of friends. People admire your determination and willingness to push yourself to achieve your very high standards.
You are also a creative person who likes to ask thought-provoking questions. You love to learn but get bored with any repetition, and constantly need a new challenge to stay interested. Imaginative and creative, you like to look beyond the everyday to really understand why the world operates as it does. You are decisive and organized, and since you like to be prepared at all times, you may find it difficult or embarrassing to try to improvise. You like to be in charge but sometimes take over projects that aren’t really yours. You are frustrated by inefficiency, and find illogical rules infuriating. Whatever you try, you want to be good at, and you especially like to demonstrate your competence to others. People around you look to you as a natural leader and are often impressed with your knowledge. You are a person other people respect so they feel comfortable giving you a lot of responsibility.
SUCCESS! I’ve gotten to the point with my clothes game that all my shit is starting to mesh together into a variety of shit that looks the same. It’s unfortunate, but I get to switch stuff up a lot more.
I have enough shit to last me well in to next year, and I feel disgusted because I’m not even that excited about it anymore. I have no idea what the fuck I’m about to do with all this shit when I have to pack up and go to college.
I’ve felt like high-school isn’t doing shit for me. Normally, I’m the one chastising my usually pessimistic friend Somala about being “over high-school”. Egging on the fact that there’s something here to learn, and that there’s something redeeming about every experience and every person. But all bullshit aside, I just don’t see anything for me here anymore.
I’m butting heads with my mom bi-weekly; I get genuinely irritated when she tells me to do anything. I’m seeing no educational value in 89% of my school day; everything is stupid and watered down. AP Geography, which I was hoping would be my most enriching class, has quickly turned into a series on B&W, bullshit Power Point slides my salty, fowl teacher, Pesky-Putrid-Pussy-Parsons, reads to us.
The people are so dumb. Everyone in school, minus the very few I genuinely enjoy the company of, are so fucking dumb. Everyone is so damn disagreeable. And when I say disagreeable, I mean their personalities. I just figured most people in this world were lame, but they’re not! My co-workers are so damn easy to get along with. They’re so friendly, and generally easy-going. At that party that I went to last week: everyone there was so damn nice and easy going and generous and not stupid! And half-way through the party I realized Yoel and I were the youngest ones up in there!
Maybe it’s something kids grow out of. But I’m out of this whole “disagreeable, I will take everything personally, I swear I know the world, let me make a big deal out of nothing” mindset. Somala was telling me about her experiences of her overnight at her college visit at Haverford, and everyone sounded amazing. They smoked her up without expecting anything. They were nice, treated her with so much respect without knowing her, and were more than easy-going.
No fucking resistance.
I want to get away from all this damn resistance. The resistance of my resiliently, persistent mother who thinks yelling at me to pick up my underwear will make a difference in my life or the person I will become. The resistance of my resiliently, persistent teachers who think detention and lectures matter in the greater scheme of this world. Your dumb ass elective class doesn’t mean shit, your ever present ego needs to get the fuck, and you’re speaking to hear your own fucking voice.
I want to get out of high-school. I want to go to college in New York. I want to meet cool people. High school is stupid, and I have to go.
You know what, I’m feeling really positive today. No need to be bitter anymore. Sometimes you just gotta let shit go and embrace what you’ve got. Yaknow, count your blessings type shit. n D@s wuht i`m Gnna d0!
I need to stop with this annoying, rather average teenage angst stuff. I’m more grown than that, right? Plus, that stuff’s played out.
And just love shit! Accept shit, and love it. Love all the shit in the world, ‘cause the world is worthy of your love: so love it for what its worth! Facebook, I still love you. Sorry for being lame, yo.
Positivity is the way to go!
I can’t expect appreciation if I’m not appreciating, know what I mean?
Let’s have a big hurrah for life.
Mady, you rock for this. I’ve been on this shit for a few months now. There’s so much power in living like this.
Me and (I hope) my great friend Damon had a night of nights. I fuckin wish my other brother Connor was with us but he’s basically on house arrest. Damon and I went on a fucking mission to Dupont Circle, then down a few blocks to Q & 13th. We went to a party filled the fuck up with Amer. Appar. employees and Georgetown students. Some of the rawest jungle juice I’ve ever tasted, fucking iced tea and nail polish-remover is what it was. That and some Keystones got us fucked-the-hell-up!!! At this party we met some fucking personalities. I met this cool ass kid that Damon knew, Zack, Dan, Australian Dan, Ted, Andrew, Sam, Alison, Jessica, Tamara, Brooklyn and several others! These are some of the coolest people I’ve ever met, for the simple fact that they are young, in school, but still doing their fuckin thing!!
This post was meant to be dedicated to (hopefully) a long-time friend Damon and his total awesome-ness as well as a great night in which we met some great new people and were lucky to get home safely.
Yoel, I love you dog. We need to do that shit more often!
…the reason that I, that you, that we have ever done anything was to feel special.
Tell me that I’m beautiful. Tell me that trimming two inches off my hips and off my head actually make me better looking. Tell me that my terrible 9 to 5 is much worse than yours. Tell me how much my clothing makes me stand out from the world. Give me amazing vows of appreciation before you marry me.
When we’re really only saying: Tell me how no one else looks like me. Tell me I can do something to make people notice me. Tell me I’m rightfully deserving of basking in my unique misery. Tell me no one has ever, or will ever do what I’m doing. Tell me how much the special things that no one else in this world does make you feel good. Tell me that my being here has special purpose. Special, special, spesh-shell.
It’s nearly disgusting.
The most flattering thing you can say to someone is something that makes them feel special. I sound like I’m speaking in circles here because they’re almost the same thing to us.
Conversations: the one device we use to communicate between everyone in this world. The most important device in today’s age. And the best thing one can do with this device for someone else is tell them their existence is significantly and especially more purposeful and unique than anyone else’s. Pay them a compliment.
It’s just about disgusting.
From the beginning stages of our lives, parents send us rocketing skyward with lies. Drowning us with love over lackluster moments they only see with disillusioned gleam. Subsequently drowning our simple, now endorphin blasted, brains on highs for smiling and cooing at faint, blurry figures we can barely make out.
And we prance along for the rest of our lives looking for similar highs to keep us floating. Little girls lusting for the entrancing allure of living like Hannah Montana. High schoolers tweeting twenty tweets per minute hoping to stand out and gain some attention. Middle-aged cougars taking botox shots to feel the misguided attention of equally desperate attention seeking men. And by the end of those babies’ long life, they’ve become full-fledged babbling grandparents seeking the green ear of a grandchild to listen and respond in awes as they reminisce over their insignificant life.
In all fairness, existence is special. I’m playing devil’s advocate, but each person does bring something never before done to this world by simply existing. I suppose questing for approval one’s entire life is the problem. Bringing others down for their shortcomings to boost ourselves is the problem.
At the core of everything that makes us human, I believe we embark on a quest with no end to prove we’re special.
We are, and we’re not. People need to sober up and realize people share our shoes and that we have much more we’re capable of accomplishing when our focused desire doesn’t fall on feeling special.
Recently I’ve been feeling more and more like I’m growing up. I regress a lot of the time, but usually out of comfort. It’s funny, though. Cause usually whenever I find myself regressing, I get annoyed even with myself.
I just feel like I’ve changed a whole lot. I’ve been feeling really weird lately because I used to base my entire being off of being too much, and loud, and annoying, and an asshole. None of which I really feel like define me much at all anymore. I see myself, whenever I’m around new people, behaving completely differently. And it’s so genuine, because I’m acting capriciously out of impulse—no expectations. It’s weird because I’m around my friends so much, I don’t know really know who I am when I’m not around them. And since I’m not myself when I’m around them, I don’t really know who I am yet.
It’s fun meeting new people, because they don’t get so impatient and annoyed whenever I’m chillin, because that’s what they expect.
I’ve been chilling with a lot of random Springbrook kids a lot recently since my best-friend, Connor, goes there (Springbrook is a brother school in my 3 school consortium). And I enjoy it so much. It’s almost like a precursor to college in a sense to me. I get to redefine myself to people who know nothing about me.
It was so weird when I was sitting down with one of my friends, Hannah, from Springbrook. I was extremely tired from the SAT and Homecoming and it was like 2 in the morning and she wasn’t pestering me asking “What’s wrong, what’s wrong!?”. I told her, “Sorry, I’m tired”… just because I’m so used to people bugging me whenever I don’t feel like joking around, and she responded, “But you’re always like this”. And it shocked the hell out of me— in a really good way.
They don’t see me as being the selfish, annoying, sarcastic Damon from Junior year. They don’t see me as being the gossipy, overzealous Damon from Sophomore year. They don’t see me as being the attention hungry, immature Damon from Freshmen year. All they know, and all they see is the a lot more relaxed, empathetic, slightly silly Damon that I am now.
I love having old friends, but it sucks. You’re never really allowed to change without it being thrown back in your face. I’m starting to feel like more and more that my friends don’t know me.
It’s not like I’m fake, I’m just on cruise control around them. Doing and saying what’s expected. It’s so ironic. My newest friends know me so much more than my friends of a million years do.
So for the last 2 months I’ve been stressing out over a lot of random, small but culminating things. And the large half of most of everything is DONE.
Homecoming week at my school was awesome. For the first time I finally started appreciating my school. Something about the idea of Senior year forces you to appreciate everything. Because at the end of the day, it’d just be a wast to hate everything.
Thursday night for hallway decorations was one of the biggest successes of my life. We recreated The Lion King in the center of our school for our Disney themed homecoming. It was fucking amazing. Friday morning when the entire school got to see it, the a capella chorus was singing The Circle of Life, and our school’s Poms team was doing African, tribal, interpretive dances. What a fucking talented school I have.
The Pep Rally was awesome. I preformed to one of the gayest mixes, doing some of the gayest dance moves with the other Powder Puff cheerleaders. It was just a fun time. Screaming silly chants and yelling until my throat was soar.
Took my SAT. I feel like I did pretty well. Went to homecoming, had an amazing time and just enjoyed my night.
I got kirked on when I showed up an hour and a half after my curfew, but whatever. I don’t mind using the down time to finally start these college apps and catch up on Jersey Shore.
I wake up at 6:08 everyday when I know it takes me 14 mins exactly to take a shower and brush my teeth. And I know it’ll take me 6 mins to put together an outfit I’ll inevitably want to change. And I know it’ll take me 4 mins to alter it and still be unsatisfied. And I know it’ll take me 3 mins to get all my shit together and get out the door.
And my bus comes at 6:41 on the dot. I live 5 mins away.
I start my homework at 9:00 everyday when I know I want to go to bed before midnight. I know it’ll take me 3 hours to get everything done on a good night. I know I’ll spend 45 mins on Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook between the time of me starting my homework and finishing. I know the deadline for the already extended extension (yes: extended extension) is tomorrow.
I choose to watch Jersey Shore at 10:00. And the after show at 11:00.
My SAT is this weekend. I haven’t studied one word. Reviewed one stitch of math. Looked over what type of essay they want from me. I KNOW I’ll freak out the day of, because I know I’ll recognize some vocab word from my SAT prep class from last year and not remember the definition.
College aps should be most important to me. I say I’ll wait for my SATs to be up, when I know I can start now. I’m completely aware of all of these facts, yet I prioritize this inevitably pointless blog post over even trying to start them.
I need to be to work by 3:30 after-school. I get home at 2:40. Change. Eat. And decide to watch the first half of The Cosby Show on BET. I know I’ll miss the bus that’ll get me to work on time.
I’m watching my self roll violently down a snowy hill into a bottomless pit, yet my objective self watching, and my metaphorical self rolling down the hill are laughing with bright eyes, nodding with confirmation.
If I could attach a motif to my weekend, it would probably be: random, unconditional human interaction and love.
Friday after my half day, I went to my class prez’s house to work on hallway decoration stuff. It was amazing. So many random people coming to together to get shit done. Everyone was so positive, and so friendly. Everyone was bubbling over with love, it was almost disgusting. We were making missions in everyone’s cars half-way across MoCo and it was so tight. It made me regret not loving my school earlier.
Later on, I got in to one of the most random nights of my fucking life. My friend Zack who works at the American Apparel in Chinatown has been tryna make moves for the longest and we finally got in to some shit. So randomly, Somala, Sonia, Grace and I met up with him at Metro Center.
We had no idea what we were about to get in to, we had no idea where the fuck we were going. All we knew was that we were tryna get in to some shit, and have fun. So Zack took us to Roslyn Station in Virginia where we chilled on this random ass roof top overlooking this construction site. We started drinking a little bit, but I feel like my overly excitable mood made it hit me way too hard.
We ended up in this truck with his cool ass, slightly bro-ish yet down to earth friends driving through VA. We parked on some random road and just chilled and talked.
From there we broke off from his bro friends and met up with this interesting kid who’s name I could never remember for the life of me. But for some reason I can remember him telling me he’s in alternative school. After we met up with him, we walked over some bridge and ended up in Georgetown where we were bombarded by the most jovial, middle-aged drunken people.
Within 3 hours in Georgetown I pissed 4 times (one of which was in a canal with Somala and Zack), got a tour of Georgetown University with this cool ass dude who invited me to live with him and his accounting major asian roommate, talked to a 40 something year old man with tight ass glasses which sprung on our conversation, ended up dancing in someone’s dorm to Ignition by R. Kelly who was celebrating their 21st birthday, and got overwhelmed by at least 10 drunken deaf adults on the train ride home.
And now I’m sick. I really like talking to people I don’t know. People are so fucking interesting.